A recently published survey from the Survey Center on American Life says that, for many of us, friendship is in trouble. The survey report begins:

Coming out of a once-in-a-generation global pandemic, Americans appear more attuned than ever to the importance of friendship. However, despite renewed interest in the topic of friendship in popular culture and the news media, signs suggest that the role of friends in American social life is experiencing a pronounced decline. The May 2021 American Perspectives Survey finds that Americans report having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support.

The Bible has much to say about friendship, but the number of friends isn’t the main concern. The quality of them, however, is very important. Let’s consider one important passage on friendship.

If you grew up in a KJV-influenced environment, it reads like this: “A man of many friends must show himself [to be] friendly...”

In the NASB you would read, “A person of too many friends comes to ruin…”

I use the ESV, which says, “A man of many companions may come to ruin…”

The NIV says “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin…”

The NRSV reads, “Some friends play at friendship…”

And the CSB puts it this way: “One with many friends may be harmed…”

So, why the confusion? Is this proverb a reminder of the necessity to be friendly or a warning that too many friends bring potential danger?

To come to a conclusion, we start with the words in the original language. There are two words that are causing the confusion, and it is due to the fact they are spelled with the same three consonants. In Hebrew, words were spelled with consonants, and vowel sounds were added, but not written—you looked at the root and figured out the word meant. The context usually made it clear. But what was clear to the original audience isn’t always clear to us today. So we must look at the roots, come up with options, and perhaps see how the Hebrew was translated into other ancient languages to come figure things out. The two roots that are in doubt are the word for “friends” and the word for “to harm.” These identical roots can both be the same word or two different words here.

The KJV translators took them as being the same, which ends up sounding like an instruction to be a friend in order to have them. That is certainly true, but how does it relate to the next phrase that there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother? What is the lesson? There is no visible contrast. That is a possible translation, and if it is correct, then the call is to make friends, knowing that there is one kind of friend that is much more reliable than others.

However, most translators see a contrast being set up, and conclude that the second root is more likely the word for “to come to harm.” Hebrew authors liked to use words that looked and sounded alike for this kind of “wordplay.” If this is correct, then the contrast is between many friends and one friend. The unified message of the proverb is that one can have many that are called friends but they may not be true friends—they may actually prove to be dangerous acquaintances. And if the larger consensus of “a man (person) of many friends” refers to a significant number, then the warning may also discourage the thinking that “all friends (or friendships) are created equal.” Instead, we should be cautious in relationships, knowing that friends will be manifested, in large part, by their staying power. Like brothers and sisters in a good family situation, true friends stay with you through thick and thin.

This verse has come to mind a number of times recently as I have spoken with people who have experienced disappointment at their treatment by others they considered friends. You might also be among that number who discover pain and disappointment coming from those from whom you expected support and encouragement. This may be the reason one’s circle of friends seems to be smaller than before, quarantine or no quarantine.

If we think about it long enough, we can all probably recall ways that so-called “friends” have failed us—often in a time of need. However, the proverb isn’t meant to incite a pity party. We are responsible for our own actions and reactions to our circumstances, including how we look at and maintain friendships.

Since the proverbs are meant to teach us about what we are to be, not just what to be careful about, I have begun to think about this verse from a different viewpoint. Rather than wonder about my friends, I’m asking myself, if someone considers me one of their friends, what kind of friend am I being?

Am I the kind of friend who can be enjoyable to be around but is only available when convenient? Do I say I’m a person’s friend but don’t stay close enough to know what’s really happening in the moment? How often have I heard about someone I consider a good friend going through a tough time and being taken aback because I had no idea? Sometimes we don’t know what’s going on because we haven’t been told. And yet, aren’t you thankful for the friends who are present in our lives often enough to become aware of our struggles just by observation? Isn’t that what you and I should aspire to be?

As I think about being the “second phrase” kind of friend who sticks close, I recognize that a person who is more committed to having lots of friends rather than deep friendships runs the risk that none of those friends can or will ever be close enough to do the hard work of friendship. Proverbs 27:6 speaks of the “faithful wounds of a friend.” We know that only a person who gets close enough can really do that kind of wounding—the hurt that is meant to heal. The many-friend person may not have room for the one who could really be an honest and faithful help.

Some questions to consider:

1. List the people you consider friends. How many of them have a clear picture of what is going on in your life right now? Who among them would you call immediately for help in a personal crisis?

2. Who considers you their true friend? What efforts are you making to be that kind of friend? Can your friends count on you when they have nothing to offer but trouble in the moment?

3. Who is the friend in your life that will tell you hard truths, then help you process the lesson you need to learn, walking alongside as you seek to grow?

As you think about this proverb, don’t take it primarily as a call to pare down your list of friends. Instead, realize that, as with many other matters, quality is better than quantity. Look for the few that stick with you. And seek to be that same kind of faithful friend for those who look to you.