When the Church Doesn’t Meet Your Needs
For the last year, we have been churchless.
Not in the universal church sense of the word, but in the local one. Having stepped down as the pastor of our last church without a clear future plan, we were in a “nomad-style” existence. We lived with my parents through a season of helping them make choices about next steps in light of advancing age and declining health. This was a gift to us—not just a place to stay but the opportunity to serve them in a hard time. But we knew that we were not staying in that home or community forever. Friends and readers of this blog’s Ministry Updates know what eventually transpired as we received a new calling and searched for and found a new home nine months after coming to Texas.
During all that time we visited churches, and even took initial steps to connect with one officially, only to find that COVID had shut down their small groups and membership process. We visited one church because dear friends are there and if it was closer, we would have stayed. Another visit was to a Texas “mega-church” near us (remember, everything’s bigger in Texas). Its style, size, and priorities don’t fit us, and yet it was the most attentive and active in trying to welcome us in. Most of our experiences were, frankly, disappointing. We visited church plants where we were older than everyone else by decades, and clearly visitors. Yet no attempts were made to express welcome beyond greeters smiling at the door—sometimes. We could write a book on how churches can make you feel unwelcome in one visit. Yes, I know it’s been during the pandemic, but people in the church building have made the decision to come out and you might think they would be happy (or at least willing) to greet a guest. Many of the churches were not that large and would know a stranger is there—especially when we would ask where things were or if there was an information table.
Our experiences have given me a greater sensitivity to what to look for in seeking a church. I’ve wrestled with what the priorities ought to be, what are convictions that are vital and what are preferences of greater or lesser importance. Should we “settle” for less, especially when we are free to seek what we would want?
This also has given me a new perspective on a question I was asked by a reader. It’s a question many others have asked me over 40 years of pastoral ministry.
“What should I do if the church isn’t meeting my needs?”
This question can come from all sorts of circumstances, and each situation requires a specific response, on their situations.
In the past, I would answer as a pastor—usually as the pastor of the church in question. In my first days as the solo pastor of a slowly reviving church replant, the question prompted fear—we might be about to lose someone! I would usually try to engage those who asked to help them see that we really DID meet their needs, or at least were trying. That usually didn’t work. And when people would leave, especially ones that had been connected and involved, it felt like personal rejection and it hurt.
Later in my ministry, I began to react more negatively when someone would ask me that question. It sounded so much like a consumer mentality—I want what I want! If the issue is simply one of not having all of one’s preferences honored, it is self-centeredness or self-focused. It became telling when, in a membership interview, someone would say they had come to us from another church that wasn’t “meeting their needs.” I would wonder, “how long until we are no longer meeting their needs?” In some cases it wasn’t very long. One couple I’m thinking of burned through five churches in about 10 years—each one apparently failing to meet their needs.
But I came to see that others who asked the question were speaking from a place of deep hurt. They felt ignored and even shunned by others in the church, or their circumstances (a divorce, or singleness, or lack of knowledge of the “right” views on things) left them excluded from what they perceived as the “inner circle” of the body. Leaders were not open to their concerns when expressed—sometimes leaders even gave them a lecture about their attitudes. Sometimes they had actually been sinned against by people in the congregation without any steps being taken. The “needs” not being met were matters of great importance.
Before I go further, let me get three easy responses out of the way.
We don’t give up on being a part of a local church. When it comes to spiritual life and growth, Jesus doesn’t offer an individual membership plan, only a group one. Yes, we individually benefit, but he gifts us and calls us his children and puts us into his family. That family is manifested in local gatherings. If we don’t understand this, we aren’t reading the New Testament carefully. There is no Plan B here. If our current church utterly fails, we find another.
If we are dealing with non-essential issues, like service times, preferences in music or programming, or even having to go along with decisions the leaders make that aren’t unbiblical but we don’t like, we should seek to submit when we can (that also is a biblical principle) and perhaps work to influence change or at least consideration of other ways to “do church.” We became a part of this family—committing to them and them to us. If we’ve been there a while, we probably have significant connections and influence. Don’t sacrifice those for preferences.
Seeking and granting forgiveness and reconciliation is always the preferred course. If offense has been given or taken, we have a responsibility to let the offended or offending party know it, and if possible, take a step toward reconciliation. We can’t accomplish that alone, but we should do what we can (see Romans 12:17-21 for a discussion related to this).
That said, I believe that their are real needs that Jesus expects the church to fulfill. It is his body, after all. If a local congregation is not meeting these kinds of needs, then change needs to take place—either in the local body, or in an individual member’s continuing presence. What are these needs? What should we expect a church to “do” for us? Let me suggest three such needs to start (and this is not an exhaustive list).
We need a church that imitates Jesus.
It is a sad fact that we all know stories of churches and church people behaving badly. Let’s face it, we all have moments ourselves we aren’t proud of. But sometimes this isn’t just the normal ups and downs of growth in sanctification. We each can tell stories of churches that have been abusive in their dealings or control of members’ lives, even to the point of covering up sin by leaders at the expense of church victims. More often, there are church cultures that are, to use the popular term today, toxic. They speak and act in harmful ways that oppress those who are hurt and promote judgmental spirits, not just speaking out against sin, but using derisive language about people that would shut the door on them.
Imagine, for example, sitting in a congregation where the preacher thunders “God HATES divorce!” when criticizing the breakdown of marriages (by the way, that is not the best translation of Malachi 2:16—read it in the ESV for a better understanding). We are sitting there, divorced from an abusive spouse or abandoned or cheated on, or we are with a friend or adult child going through those things. Would we feel accepted? Would they?
Or, what if our church members are regularly discussing with disdain “those people”—liberals, homosexuals, social justice warriors, people on welfare, Democrats, and others, or telling jokes with racial or ethnic overtones, and those labels describe a loved one or a person we are trying to win to Christ? We could never bring those friends to our fellowship and think it will be a safe place for them to learn about grace.
I'm not referring to the occasional misstep or misspeak by a person whose generally tender heart still lacks instruction or wisdom (think of your sweet grandma who, nevertheless, may say something that makes you cringe). I’m talking about the church’s culture, where someone says something unkind or jokes about “those people” and everyone nods in agreement..
Jesus did not speak in such ways to or about sinners, except for one group—the religious legalists within the community. To him, those who were outcasts were the sinners he was there to call to repentance and “the sick who need a physician.” They were “sheep without a shepherd,” "fields…white and ready for harvest,” or in more stories than we can recount, pre-disciples. His tone and demeanor didn’t drive sinners away, it attracted them. They left him because they could not accept his teaching, not because he was harsh toward them (think of the rich young ruler or those he called who made excuses for not following him). It was those who looked down on outcasts, gave up on sinners, and told their fellow God-followers all the rules they were breaking that Jesus called hypocrites, white-washed tombs, and blind guides of the blind.
I know we will never be perfect at this. I know that I have failed as a pastor to always protect the environment in the churches I’ve served. How many careless words have I said that could hurt rather than help? Thankfully, God’s grace forgives and equips for growth. A few loving brothers and sisters have offered gentle corrections to help me see so that I could speak more appropriately. And I’m still learning.
A church near us says they are “Imperfectly Church”—in fact, they apologized publicly a few years ago in full-page city newspaper ad for being more concerned about the trappings of evangelical culture and less attuned to the needs all around them that Jesus would care about. We could all apply that “Imperfectly Church” label to our fellowships. If our church is imperfect but striving to be like Jesus, that’s a good thing. But if an accurate portrayal of Jesus is not the preeminent vision people catch when among us, then we are not meeting believers’ needs. Failure to see this and change may require a believer to look for a place where that vision is the passion.
2. We need a church that is anchored in and teaches the whole Bible.
Evangelicals pride themselves on being people of the Book. And yet, there are many church folk who are not aware of what the Bible actually teaches. Worse, there are pastors who don’t want to touch certain texts and subjects because they would be “controversial.” I’ll never forget having read “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” by Jonathan Edwards (in my public school literature class!). That was my first exposure to the doctrine of God’s sovereign election to salvation. I couldn’t believe it! I asked my pastor, “Do we believe in election?” His response was, “Yes, but we don’t talk about it!” I gathered that he thought it would be a problem, and I know that most of us in the church didn’t believe in it, largely because it was never explained. This is a precious doctrine central to our understanding of salvation, but was ignored. However, we had annual prophecy conferences where we focused on all the specific details of our particular form of eschatology. For me, it’s a problem if the church knows more about last things than first things!
For some of us, our church’s culture and practices are accepted as biblical without subjecting them to Scripture. In every generation, it seems that there are truths of Scripture that are rediscovered and reemphasized because they seem to have been lost in the past by our spiritual predecessors. We can be sure that our spiritual children and grandchildren will discover truths that we are currently in the process of forgetting! Just study Israel’s history for a humbling reminder of this, or the disciples inability to remember even what Jesus said just a few weeks or months before! If our church is willing to constantly examine its life in light of Scripture, even if that means change, it is a good thing.
And within our church we should value the ability of believers to come to different conclusions about Bible passages and teachings that are not “first rank” issues that are a matter of life or death, heaven or hell. If our fellow believers are standing on a scriptural foundation but still come to different conclusions than we do, we should not vilify them, even as we may not agree with them. In some cases the church may decide that it must honor one view over another as its conclusion or practice, and if possible we should seek to submit humbly and joyfully. Only if the issue is one that would fundamentally hinder us from what we perceive as obedience to God should we consider finding another church.
Our church must be teaching the Bible well. It wasn’t until college that I first sat under a verse by verse expositor, and I was captivated. I learned what the Bible said, book by book, what it meant, and how to live it out. That became my goal and pattern for most of my pastoral ministry. That is a preference—a strong one for me, but not a conviction, because there are other ways to teach the Bible faithfully and cover its message well. Spurgeon’s sermons were not expository in the same way “expositors” teach today, but they were saturated with biblical truth. But we must be in a place where the regular teaching of the Word takes place and we can be increasingly sure of the message of Scripture—all of Scripture.
3. We need a church that connects us.
The NT designation for what we call “the church” is ekklesia, which means a group that is called out or called to assemble together. Israel, called and led by God out of Egypt, is labeled “the church in the wilderness” in the KJV rendering of Acts 7:38. The very name indicates that we are to be gathered. Some are wondering if the pandemic has forever changed what the church will be, with many choosing to connect only online. I don’t think so. I know that there are churches setting up online campuses with online campus pastors. That may be a temporary start or an entry point for people on their journey into the church, but it ought not be the stopping place, unless someone is physically unable to move toward face to face gathering.
As flesh and blood creatures, we are made for contact with others. No letter or call or Zoom meeting would be all we want of a love relationship if more were available. We would want to be together. And the Bible makes clear that this should be our desire and practice (Hebrews 10:24-25). We may have temporary circumstances that prevent a meeting from taking place for a time, but that cannot be a permanent, directional change—we do not have the authority to set aside the New Testament’s teaching on the issue.
Perhaps an even more important aspect of gathering should be the sense that the God who has called us together has done so to create a community—a family. That cannot exist if we consistently place ourselves and our desires for personal comfort (or safety) in front of our making the effort to welcome others into the gathering and our lives. Too often in the pandemic, we came to a church where we were checked to see if we had reservations, had our temperatures taken, and then pointed down the path to our seats, alone, where we were to sit through the service, and then be dismissed by row out of the building. The entire experience could go without a single personal acknowledgement. It was kind of like attending a movie or concert out of town, where no one expects to engage with anyone other than a chance meeting of a longtime friend. Churches must foster the growth of meaningful community among its members. If you come to church week after week, and find no one engaging you even after you greet them, no one sitting with you when you are alone, and no one noticing if you are gone for a month, then ask—”have I been making real effort to connect with others? Have I regularly attended services and groups, participated in meetings, and still find myself disconnected” If the answer is yes, then perhaps your church is not the right one for you.
As I said, this is not an exhaustive list, but a preliminary one. You might add “passionate commitment to the Great Commission at home and around the world,” or “shared life in smaller group settings,” or “visible commitment to corporate prayer” as convictions based on Scripture. You can develop those thoughts, and the New Testament will give you lots of material!
Our churches will not hit all the marks all the time, and maybe not even most of the time.
But are they striving for them, especially the most important ones? I am passionate about staying committed to a local church like we are to family. But I also recognize there are families that are dysfunctional or abusive to the point of harming family members. That can also be true of local churches and if it is, change may well be the only healthy, God-honoring solution. Change might happen in the church, but more likely it will be a person deciding to graciously move on to another fellowship.
And what about our search? We’ve finally landed in a church that is, in some ways, not what people might expect we would choose. And yet, we are there, five minutes down the road from our house. From the moment we walked in the door, we were engaged—not just greeted. People saw us and sought to learn more. They were actively recruiting us while not knowing who we were. One week in, and we could tell they were like a family but one that seemed excited to welcome others. And when the pastor got up to preach, he did so by carefully explaining a biblical text and then applying it to our lives. It’s not big or flashy. It is made up of generally older saints. It’s not, in short, what many people seem to be looking for. But doctrinal affinity, a strong sense of welcoming community and clear exposition of God’s Word were key factors in our deciding that this is where we should be.
If you are struggling with your local church, don’t lose heart. Consider what “needs” it is or is not meeting in your life, determine if these are preferences or convictions, and see if you might be an agent for positive change. Talk to your church leaders about your concerns before you do anything. If there is hope that you can help change take place, try. If not, or if your church isn’t showing signs of caring about the most important matters, I believe you are free to find a fellowship that does.
