The Joy of Long Friendships
Kathy and I got together the other night with some friends who live nearby. They go back decades with us–to our years in California when we traveled to Indonesia to be involved in global church planting. We met through mutual friends and became great friends ourselves.
We had dinner and probably overstayed our welcome at the restaurant –although COVID-19 had cut into their business (here in Texas our social distancing was observed by empty tables nearby and by masks as you walk in). It was a great meal, but the time was even better than the food.
Why did we stay so long? There are any number of reasons, but as I think about it, these are the main ones:
They are just “good people.” We have walked through different difficulties together over the years, and while until this season we have not lived near each other, we have always enjoyed our times to connect–even if separated by years as well as miles. Over all these times they have been consistent in their love for God and for us, and have shown great care as friends–I hope we have done the same.
They are “knowing” people. They know us well. They know our history. As fellow ministry workers, they know the unique aspects of that life. They realize that we are in the middle of transition, and having gone through it themselves, they are aware of the sensitivities and challenges you go through in the middle of it all–the losses, the questions, the uncertainties–they have been there before us. As we talked and shared a bit of our recent journey, their added comments, smiles, and knowing nods were such a blessing. There are times in hard circumstances where you can begin to believe that what you are going through is unique and no one will really understand. They did. Out of their transition they entered into a calling of care for ministry professionals, and our evening benefited from the balm of their ability to care for us in the moment. Because they know us, we didn’t have to wonder if they really understood where we were coming from!
They are “different” people. I don’t mean “odd,” but rather that their journeys have been different than ours, and their life experiences don’t all line up with ours. Neither do all of our perspectives on theology or ministry or life. What a joy it is to be able to talk and to compare notes and not feel threatened or bothered by the different paths and conclusions we have come to. Good friendships ought to be able to deal with differences well, and actually benefit from them. This was just a gentle reminder of how wonderful having friends that don’t just echo every thought you have can be life giving.
They are “fun” people. Lately, we have had the joy of not only being with them but some other dear friends (and family) who know how to laugh and make us laugh. We certainly did that night. And in these moments, that is a precious gift.
We need people. Since God created us to be in community, it shouldn’t surprise us that the loss of our community relationships creates a deficit for us emotionally. In times of transition and uncertainty, the people in our lives become one of the ways God can remind us of what hasn’t changed. As we talked, the conversation caused us to remember God’s goodness and how past confidence in his plans for us all has been amply rewarded.
None of these are newly-discovered truths that you haven’t heard. The Bible tells us so much about the importance of relationships in our lives. Genesis 1 reminds us that it is our three-in-one God who says “let us make man in our image,”–the “us” and “our” are plural–not a singular, or even a “duality” (Hebrew has a unique form for pairs). This image includes relational community modeled after the Father/Son/Spirit life of love. David experienced incredible friendship and loyalty, none greater than his relationship with Jonathan. Proverbs speaks of friends who love at all times (17:17), whose words or actions may wound but only do so faithfully (27:6), and who stick closer than family (18:24). And our salvation is one that is calls into the family of God, not just familiarity with God. In that family we each fill an important, but limited function. We need what others bring to us to deal with our deficiencies, and they need us for the same reason.
You won’t be a happy person or an effective (and biblically obedient) Christian if you are not connected to others.
Living in this pandemic has taken most “normal” interactions away from us, and I don’t think we will be able to measure those kinds of losses like we can economic ones. And so I want to, first, commend those people who are taking the time to reach out to others in the ways they can, even if it can’t be face to face–starting with those who have done so for us. In our own transition, seeing the faces and hearing the voices of friends and family has had a healing power we cannot overstate. And we also have known firsthand the blessing of distant friends who are willing to take regular, long Zoom calls or FaceTime because they want to “be there” however they can. We all know that physical presence is best, but this is still a great good. If there are nothing other than “pandemic problems” going on, we still need each other more than we acknowledge. And when people we know are going through unusual challenges, we have the privilege of being conduits of God’s grace and comfort by physical presence if that is possible, or by technological means if we don’t.
How about you? Are you feeling any deficit in your relational fuel tank? Have some of those people who have been important to you over the years been going through challenges? Maybe you haven’t been in touch and you don’t know what might be going on in their lives. You have always been encouraged when you are together, and it’s been too long.
Here’s a suggestion. Think of 2 or 3 people–ask the Lord to bring some to mind–that you have a long and positive relationship with, that you haven’t spoken with recently or that you know might need an encouraging word. If you are in a place where you can risk contact and there is a venue available, set up a time to get together. If coffee shops and restaurants are closed, bring your own beverage and meet in a park. If physical presence can’t happen due to health or distance, use video technology. If that’s too much, call (yes, your phone has this function where your voice can be carried to someone else without emojis or text, and you can hear them, too!). And, if you can’t get through in those ways, send a text, FB message, or email (I’m guessing you still know how to do that). Have others reached out to you? Maybe you, like me, have not always been the best in responding when others have initiated contact. If so, we can right that wrong by making a list of those you have heard from and begin to craft the right kind of response–face to face, video, audio, or note. Let’s not let the pandemic rob us of our relationships by adding forgetfulness to fear and isolating us from those God has designed to be his tools in our lives.
